i have to keep telling myself that it will get better, even though it’s really hard right now. i thought that since so much time has passed my mom and i’s relationship would get better but nothing’s changed. she still blames me for things that have no big significance and gets frustrated with me for no reason. she’ll never make things easier for me, and i have to live with that.
yesterday while my sister and i were cleaning up my room to get it ready for her to move in, we found my old school papers and my old school grades. she was surprised i had such good grades and high test scores but i wasn’t. i always knew i had pretty good grades, i just never got recognition from my parents about them. they would only comment on the things i did bad on, and would never acknowledge the other good grades i got. to them, the bad things had a bigger affect on them than the good things did. looking at them and thinking about it just made me tear up cause i could still hear the comments they said to me about how i could do better. it made me frustrated and i wanted to scream but instead i just took the papers and threw them out cause i didn’t want to look at them anymore. it just made me frustrated looking at them, i just wanted to get it away from me.
then today while we were watching a movie, my dad comes to try to sit on the couch and my mom gets mad and walks away because there wasn’t anymore room for all 3 of us to sit. my dad asks why my mom is so mad and she doesn’t answer. then i ask her why she’s so mad and she says, “ha, you have no right to be asking me that.” and i ask her why i didn’t do anything wrong, and she laughs and says, “yeah right, you know exactly what you did wrong.” and i just got frustrated and walked upstairs cause i knew she was blaming me for all the mess. it didn’t make sense cause i haven’t been home in almost 2 months and she has the nerve to blame me for it. my dad and older sister are always so stressed about how much stuff my mom has in the house and how it’s almost suffocating to live in and she has the nerve to blame me for all the mess. let me tell you something, HOARDING IS A SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEM. it affects everyone around you and it gets to a point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. she needs to get help because she doesn’t want to throw anything away and it’s stressful being in a home like that. she’s just too blind to see it.
i don’t want to deal with it honestly. i just want to find a job, work during the day, talk to johnnez and my friends and go to sleep and start the cycle all over again. i don’t want to talk to her. i don’t even like being in the same room with her and i know that sounds horrible because she’s my mother but it’s just too stressful trying to have a conversation with her. i don’t think we can ever fix our relationship if she won’t change. i was willing to fix it but i guess she doesn’t it as much as i do, so i’m done. i’m just gonna live my life that way and not deal with her because it’s just too much. it’s just too much for me to take, honestly..