this pain is becoming too familiar now. i like it when you’re clingy, but at the same time i like having my own space. and now things are a mess, and i’m hurting. i’m hurting all the time and i’m happy but sad at the same time and nothing makes sense anymore. i hate this position i’m in, i feel like i’m just hurting everyone around me. can we really keep going like this? i don’t know how long i can keep this up. hiding it gets harder and harder every passing day and i’m afraid it’s gonna show.

sigh, i’ve never been so frustrated at love in my life.

i have expectations of myself too, but you rubbing your disappointment in my face is not going to make the situation better. i have flaws, every human does so when i make a mistake i don’t want to be reminded of it every single day for the rest of my life. i’m sick of all of you saying whatever shit you want regardless of hurting my feelings. you’re my family, you’re supposed to be supportive and have my back no matter what. not this shit. i didn’t sign up to be anyone’s punching bag. not now, not ever.

i have to keep telling myself that it will get better, even though it’s really hard right now. i thought that since so much time has passed my mom and i’s relationship would get better but nothing’s changed. she still blames me for things that have no big significance and gets frustrated with me for no reason. she’ll never make things easier for me, and i have to live with that.

yesterday while my sister and i were cleaning up my room to get it ready for her to move in, we found my old school papers and my old school grades. she was surprised i had such good grades and high test scores but i wasn’t. i always knew i had pretty good grades, i just never got recognition from my parents about them. they would only comment on the things i did bad on, and would never acknowledge the other good grades i got. to them, the bad things had a bigger affect on them than the good things did. looking at them and thinking about it just made me tear up cause i could still hear the comments they said to me about how i could do better. it made me frustrated and i wanted to scream but instead i just took the papers and threw them out cause i didn’t want to look at them anymore. it just made me frustrated looking at them, i just wanted to get it away from me.

then today while we were watching a movie, my dad comes to try to sit on the couch and my mom gets mad and walks away because there wasn’t anymore room for all 3 of us to sit. my dad asks why my mom is so mad and she doesn’t answer. then i ask her why she’s so mad and she says, “ha, you have no right to be asking me that.” and i ask her why i didn’t do anything wrong, and she laughs and says, “yeah right, you know exactly what you did wrong.” and i just got frustrated and walked upstairs cause i knew she was blaming me for all the mess. it didn’t make sense cause i haven’t been home in almost 2 months and she has the nerve to blame me for it. my dad and older sister are always so stressed about how much stuff my mom has in the house and how it’s almost suffocating to live in and she has the nerve to blame me for all the mess. let me tell you something, HOARDING IS A SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEM. it affects everyone around you and it gets to a point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. she needs to get help because she doesn’t want to throw anything away and it’s stressful being in a home like that. she’s just too blind to see it.

i don’t want to deal with it honestly. i just want to find a job, work during the day, talk to johnnez and my friends and go to sleep and start the cycle all over again. i don’t want to talk to her. i don’t even like being in the same room with her and i know that sounds horrible because she’s my mother but it’s just too stressful trying to have a conversation with her. i don’t think we can ever fix our relationship if she won’t change. i was willing to fix it but i guess she doesn’t it as much as i do, so i’m done. i’m just gonna live my life that way and not deal with her because it’s just too much. it’s just too much for me to take, honestly..

why is it that whenever i’m not there you sleep so late like almost everyday. i don’t want to be the bad girlfriend and tell you not to sleep so late. idk, whatever. i’ll get over it i guess.

the feeling being home around someone who yells at you constantly for no apparent reason sometimes is the worst feeling ever.

i hate feeling like im being talked down to, or just feeling like someone is trying to start a fight with me. i hate not being able to avoid certain people because they’re my family, and i hate how they make me feel worthless sometimes.

i don’t care what anyone says, or whoever they are, you should never ever make someone feel like they’re nothing especially when they’re having a bad day.

everyones voices are giving me a headache, and for some reason, its taking me alot longer to recover from this than usual. i think it’s cause i haven’t been upset like this in a while. i’m just gonna wait til johnnez is done with his game and talk to him til i fall asleep. i don’t feel like talking to anyone right now besides johnnez, and i certainly don’t want to deal with people’s pissy bitch fits cause everyone’s tired of it by now.

sighh, srsly sometimes i just don’t know how to feel.

the one where i feel like you’re going to leave me and mean everything you say. the one where i can’t control the tears from falling cause of how scared i am. that feeling that i’ve been trying to avoid for over a yr now.

i hate feeling like this.

with being in your IRC chatroom and playing LoL and everything else, it’s annoying to have to yell to try to get your attention when everyone else’s voices over powers mine. i literally have to keep repeating myself, getting louder each time just so you would even notice that i’m talking.

i don’t want to have to compete with people to try to talk to my own boyfriend. that annoys the shit out of me.

whatever i don’t want to think about it, or talk to you, or anything because whenever i try to you won’t even pay attention to whatever the fuck i wanna say. cause you’re too god damn busy chatting on your god damn chatroom giggling for whatever god damn reason. 

do you know how annoying it is, to have to keep yelling over people, or loud old keyboards or your giggling about who knows what, to try to explain something that’s not even important? no i don’t think you do, cause no matter how many times i repeat myself i guess i’m just not that interesting for you to pay attention to. it really breaks my heart sometimes when i’m trying to actually talk to you, but you’re too busy giggling over some joke or something that somebody said. obviously their joke is more important than whatever i have to say right, cause this has been happening way too often. i’m tired of it, i don’t even want to talk to anyone right now. i’m just gonna go to sleep and be done with it.

and to make matters worse, i’m gonna be feeling shitty for the next seven damn days. ughh fml.